To Those I've Loved Along the Way

To most, it won't come as a shock when I say that I love Eric Church. Last year I had an unhealthy obsession, where as this year it's come to more of a deep-seeding appreciation for the truthfulness that he brings to his music. I can only hope that someday (someday) when I have time to devote to my music that I can bring the same honesty and emotion to life through a melody. Yes, he's kind of a rebel, and yes most of the time he doesn't give a shit and does his own thing. Probably why I like him so much, ain't going to lie. For example, he was offered to tour with Rascal Flatts over four years ago, when Rascal Flatts' popularity was 110 and his was virtually 0. However, he refused to censor some of his songs and completely omit others and therefore was dropped from the tour. Since then he has risen from the depths of the dingy music halls in Nashville to make NC proud with several top ten hits and a bright future ahead of him in the country music industry, under his own rules.

One of his songs that I have always liked is "Those I've Loved," about those people who have wandered in and out of his life but ultimately have made him the person he is today. I never put much thought into the context until I started to think of it less of romantic relationships and family deaths and more of friends.

I am a lousy friend. I'll be the first to admit it. I don't call when I'm supposed to, I don't keep in touch enough, I don't ask the right questions. Sometimes I think it gets mistaken for disinterest or not caring. I'm not trying to make excuses, that's the last thing I would want to do. All I am saying is that it takes a conscious effort for me to share and listen to others emotions. That just wasn't hard-wired in somewhere. I am a task oriented person. I'll remember your birthday or that your favorite color is blue. I'll drop anything and do something for a friend. But emotions, it's a work in progress.

And I hope they know
I never would have made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers,
Of friends I've made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn't be who I am today
If not for those I've loved along the way.

I've lost friends over the years, for one reason or another. Mostly stupid arguments, some not. Some I was really hurt, and others I hurt them. I am not proud of this, not even close. Others say to me, "there's a reason those from the past don't make it to your future." But is that true? Some people I know seem to have never had an argument with a friend before in their life. I don't see how that is possible. I don't like confrontation, but I would rather put the facts out there than dance around an issue.

Looking back, reflecting as my new found education department likes to call it, there are some friendships that needed to end, others not so much, and others that just fell apart and I still don't know why. Others fell apart and most if not all of the fault lies within myself. Those are the dark moments. The ones I still think about, the ones that I regret and the ones I would give anything to go back to. I talk about this as if it is a truckload of friendships that I have swept to the wayside, when really the ones I truly care about, the ones that I have cried over, I can count on less than one hand. Those are the ones that matter to me. The ones that make me wonder "what if?" What if I had been more considerate? More compassionate? Shut my mouth for two seconds, not fly off the handle?

This has been an ongoing progression, from high school until present day. And as my mentor's put it, it doesn't get any easier as you age. I could hope. I have my friends. The ones I can count on. The ones I know I could pick up the phone for at 4am. A couple from PA, a couple from NC it's good for me. I have had many acquaintances, friendships out of convenience. But that's all they were, some to party with, some to study with, some that were just there. If I picked up the phone to call them, honestly, they would probably ask who? But then again, if the table's were reversed, I would probably say the same thing. That's not to mean that they are less important in my life, because at the time, they were important, but there are those that I know will always, ALWAYS, be there for me. And there is always room for more of those.

This rant of mine was a long time coming (and an extremely long post). Something that recent events have triggered that I needed to get off my chest. I feel like I am in a 12 step program, even though no substance abuse is had on this end. I feel like I need to apologize to those who I felt I wronged. That somehow, even though it is ridiculously late (months to years) it might make some smidgen of difference because it's the right thing to do.

"Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." Psalm 130:7.